Present child number three with assorted cardboard shapes, one pot of glue and five plastic spatulas. Periodically retrieve green spatula from his left ear. Remove residue with wet wipes.

Inform child number two that it's perfectly okay to wipe your bum with loo roll that's not on a tube. As long as it's clean. Refold loo roll at intervals.

Ask child number one to stop crushing the cornflakes sitting defenceless in their wax-paper wrapper.

Carefully extricate red spatula from the hair of child number two and insist it must have been an accident. Remove residue with wet wipes.

Give child number three the look.

Tell child number two their spontaneous artwork is fabulous but if they could keep the glitter in one room that would be great. Or at least downstairs. Or at least out of the beds. Certainly not in Mummy's bed, please.

Tell child number three that the salt and pepper covers are very nice but the pots might work better without the holes glued up. Remove residue with kitchen wipes.

Explain to child number two that the Romans probably didn't have glitter and perhaps they should double check the worksheet instructions.

Ask child number one if they could share the list of botany specimens they must collect a little sooner next time.

Drag three sweaty kids, two excitable dogs, and one backpack of squashed sandwiches up precipitous hill.

Wrestle child number three to the ground and liberally smear sun lotion on the wriggly bits.

Remind child number two that dogs don't need factor thirty.

Remove excess lotion with wet wipes.

Run down the Western side of the hill for one bottle of orange juice.

Run down Eastern side for two empty crisp packets and a sunhat.

Tell child number three he's allowed to keep the snail but no it can't sleep with him.

Apologise to the Gods of the countryside for the unintentional deposit of one hair bobble, one hate-it-now-anyway cardigan, and one Tupperware lid.

Lay out hummus-fragranced blooms on kitchen table and compare to illustration in child number one's workbook. Proclaim them near enough.

Promise to return the TV remote, comic stash, and all electronic devices when all homework is complete.

Refrain from contrasting calculators with sine tables and slide rules, comparing computers to dictionaries, or trying to explain inkwells and outside toilets.

The correct response to child number two's question, 'Mummy, when I'm grown up, will there be robots to do all the hard work?' is a soft sigh and 'Maybe one day.'

Extract snail from child number three's bed. Pop snail in plant pot on landing and attempt to resurrect spider plant with application of water. Kiss children goodnight. Inhale scent of Vosene, Strawberry toothpaste, warm bread, vanilla sugar, and wet wipes.